You know that I’m a teacher. You also know that the world is turned upside down with COVID, and the Black Lives Matter movement. What you don’t know is what all of this is doing to the state of public education. Frankly, I don’t think I know the full extent of the impact the state of our world is going to have on my career.
So here it is: the inside scoop of what it feels like to be an educator in America as of 2020. I’m not trying to offend anyone, nor am I saying that what I write here is how every educator feels. I just know that there are a lot of people weighing in on education, and a majority of those people have never been in a classroom.
I want to start with the fact that I acknowledge that there are some horrible people in the world. People who think they are immune to viruses, and ignorant to the fact that they are spreading it to those of us who can’t fend it off. People who think that your skin color means you get treated differently. People who aren’t doing their jobs to be good humans. And I don’t side with any of these people.
Now, you know where I stand. But here’s the thing, I need you to know that where I stand and how I feel both have very big emotions. My heart is absolutely broken for the people who have lost some one to COVID, and for those who can’t see their loved ones because of COVID. And it makes me absolutely sick to think that there are people in this world who think it is okay to call someone names because of their skin color or ethnicity. Or mistreat someone because you think it’s funny. Absolutely disgusting.
I’m not sure I can explain to you the absolute fear I feel in returning to school. I’m not scared for my own life, but rather every single person around me. I don’t want to spread this virus to my students, because there are so many of them with underlying medical issues – some not even addressed. I don’t want my students to carry the virus to my co-workers, because my work family also is fragile. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my co-workers who have medical problems since COVID canceled school in March. I constantly think: “How are they doing?” “How can they come back? They already have so much to deal with.” Then there’s my family. If we are back to in-person learning, I won’t be able to hug my mom, dad, or grandpa indefinitely. See my grandpa has had heart surgery and lives with my parents. My dad takes medicine that weakens his immune system. My mom lives with both of them. I can’t, and I won’t, be the one that brings this virus to them. But, ya’ll, it breaks my heart to know I won’t be able to hug my momma, or get too close to her. And I know that a majority of my co-workers are in the same boat.
Now this part will be messy. I will probably offend some of you, not purposely. You may not agree with me. And that is okay. Just try and see my side. As I said previously, it disgusts me to see racism happen. It’s barbaric. But there are some things that the BLM movement has caused to happen that I can’t really get on board with. I’m not a violent person, so the protests and the demolishing of statues confuses me. I get that some people want to go out and literally make their voices heard. More power to them! I’m just not that person. What I question is the demolishing of statues, the public degradation of police, and the shaming of white people. Don’t write me off here. Look at this from the perspective of an educator. The little eyes of the world are seeing all of this unfold and trying to make sense of it. They see that if they don’t like something, they can destroy it. Their minds see that just because some police officers have made horrible decisions, that means all of them are bad. If they are bad, then calling them names and hurting them is justified. Guys, this is the exact opposite of what every single teacher I have ever met instils in their students.
Then there’s white privilege. I don’t really know how I feel about that term. I think there is privilege, but I’m not sure if it is based on skin color. But that’s not what this post is about. As a white educator in a diverse school, I’m VERY concerned about what this is going to mean when we return to school. I do everything I can to help my students feel that they are heard, loved, and that they belong. Despite my efforts, I have already experienced being called racist when I follow through with discipline ( that I promise you had nothing to do with skin color ). This was prior to the current BLM movement. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying the the BLM movement is bad. I think that we can agree that the movement has caused some tension between the white and black community. And for this, I’m afraid. I’m not afraid of my diversified environment, I’m afraid that there are families, and educators who are constantly going to be on edge. I’m afraid that some people have lost sight of the fact that the whole purpose of the BLM movement is to make everyone truly equal. I’m afraid that these people will only see white or a black skin when things start to get tough. And I’m afraid that this will lead to accusations that are untrue. I’m afraid of holding everyone to the same standard, because apparently that is no longer okay. I’m afraid of our nation’s history being erased (whether or not we agree on how things were handled, it’s still history), because if you are ignorant to the past, it is doomed to repeat itself. I’m afraid that now we will have an even larger shortage of educators.
This was long winded, and I’m not even sure it makes sense, but someone needed to say it. It’s a scary time to be a teacher right now. So as you listen to the media push for return to school and equality/reform in education, just remember us teachers. Remember that we are also people. That we have families. That we are scared.
*If you know an educator, please check on them. We have a lot on our plates, and you have no idea how much it means to hear someone say “I’m here for you, let me listen”*